Merry Fisticuffs!

I hope this finds you all well and enjoying the holiday season. As I have mentioned Christmas is pretty non-existent here, but I have been doing my best to make up for it! Which for those of you who saw Strack G last year know this is something I take seriously, though we don't have a tree to take up our whole front-hall way but I'm working on decorating a nice house plant. I figured I would update you a little on all that has been going on here.

What we lack in Christmas now, was made up during the festival Tihar. Tihar is the festival of lights, which is obviously why I loved it! It felt like the Christmas season. People place christmas lights (my favorite being the ones that actually played christmas music, hello globalization), candles and marigold strands all around their houses and businesses. It is a four-day festival of dancing, singing, eating and just plain joy. I was able to spend some of it with my family which was wonderful. While staying with my family, I helped my Amma and Sujhana make Sol Roti, which is round piece of fried bread. To make it you take the dough and pour it into a pot of hot oil, in a circular motion. Sounds easy enough right? And for most people it would be, but for me who can barley draw a circle (Studio Art minor anyone?) it was a challenge that ended in a pile of fried dough (still delicious), and gave a good laugh for my Amma and Sujhanna. But what I lacked in creating I made up in eating (those who thought I would come home thin and frail, don't you worry). It is by far my favorite festival so far.

I also experienced my first sports day, or actually as it should be Sports DAY!!! This is not just a day but a history changing event, or at least that is how it comes across. So what is Sports Day? It is when 8 different teams compete against each other for prizes (certificates and sometimes a medal) and the winning team gets a trophy the size of the Sears Tower that has been around since Nepal had a stable government (no? too soon to joke about that?). The teams are made up of different kids from each grade, and the teams have names like Panthers and Jaguars. I went to the one at Godavari, since my siblings go and me fellow JV's teach, so I have a connection to the school. Overall it was like a big track and field day we use to have in grade school, except we never had a biscuit eating contest (in which you run to a stick that has biscuits hanging from it eat on , no hands, and then run to the finish line). I was enjoying watching the events, (Sujhana one first twice, Pouja one best athlete, Chris was a strong contender in the tug-of-war and Dennis and Sarah helped the teachers beat the mothers in a relay [you read that right]). I even got to judge the marching and PT (again you read that right), though I don't know how good I was since the sole reason I gave first place to the bears was because it was World AIDS day and they wore red ribbons...not exactly unbiased. Overall it was a fun day and while I might not agree with all the aspects, it was still fun to watch all the kids get excited.

and finally, Baby it is cold outside! While I pride myself on being a Midwestener (ask my roommates), it is freezing here and it is only December! Though I do have a slight advantage in the sleeping bag that is prepared for -20 degrees, I just wonder if I can make that into a snowsuit for the next few months.... While it doesn't actually get colder the low 20's, there is no central heat here, so there is no relief from the cold, it just settles in you. I am instantly taken back to during my discernment weekend when I laughed after saw a picture of someone all bundled up and only there eyes peeking out, never thinking I would become that person. But before you send heaters or warm clothes, don't worry I am doing fine. It actually reminds me of our heatless apartment last Winter, so I am well prepared. That and I have given in to all vanity and proudly wear my long underwear, multiple layers, and the hardest, socks and sandals. Though I was disappointed to find out that it does not snow in the valley, so while it is cold I do not get the benefit of falling snow. Such is life.

As for other things, regarding the last post, things have been changing and everything is up in the air right now. I can't really get into too much detail because there are no definites. All I ask is that you keep the JV's here in your thoughts and prayers as we are all learning the meaning of patient. And to excuse my lack of communication while everything is happening. It just has a way of consuming all aspects of life right now as much as I try to not let it.

I will end for now with a line from my one of my favorite holiday movies:
"With as much dignity as he could muster, the Old Man gathered up the sad remains of his shattered Major Award. Later that night, alone in the backyard, he buried it next to the garage. Now I could never be sure, but I thought that I heard the sound of "Taps" being played. Gently. "

Help My Unbelief

Happy Holidays! It is hard to believe that I have been in Nepal four months, at times it feels like I just got here. Since Nepal is a Hindu society, the Christmas season is very different here. The only places that have lights or any "christmas" feeling are those that cater to the Bidashi crowd. For example, the cafe where I use the internet (and get my coffee fix) has a Christmas tree with lights (and yes I am sitting next to it listening to Christmas music while typing this). But I will walk out into the garbage filled streets, surrounded by people who will try to sell the white girl fruit and trinkets, or grab her in an attempt to see how desperate they are for food and money. Whoo a little resentment there, yes its true, Nepal is starting to wear me down. Its not so much the country itself, because I really do enjoy Nepal, as it is the situation in which I am here. My job continues to be a major desolation and frustration for me. I currently spend my days working on publications for the two projects we are associated with here, and will then create a calendar and magazine article after that. But after this month when I should be done with it all, my future is still one big question. Ideas are constantly thrown around and I am always present, telling myself, as I have learned, to not get my hopes up on the promises made by those who can not guarantee anything. Its just hard to realize that the position I accepted here is never going to be what I actually do, and that while our mission as a JV is to come to a placement that needs us, I will probably have to go out and seek my own position, therefore creating a need, not fulfilling it. It has been the topic of discussion among my community mates and I since I got here, and one that continues to be circular. Although, it has become pretty obvious that the GA will no longer need new JV's, which means that we both started and finished a placement. How many JV's can say that? Where does this all leave me? In the same limbo I have been since arriving in Nepal. I am continually trying to find the positives and see how this is a good challenge for me, but my faith is growing weak and my belief is waning fast. But at the same time, I knew this would happen, not the job issue, but the test of faith, but I am beginning to doubt just how strong my faith really is. Was I really called to this? To be stuck in a limbo of political BS and situations that I can not control? The view of us JV's is based off of past JV's who may not have been the best, but we can not control that and it is not fair to judge us because of past JV's. It seems like every time there is a glimpse of light at the end of the tunnel, it is quickly lost by another wall being built up. I know I should be looking for ways to knock these walls down and to push through this time, but to be honest it is exhausting. Between, learning and using a new language, adapting to a new culture, bargaining to get the Nepali price not the Bidashi, doing the math fast enough to know how much a kilo of potato's should really cost, telling Didi that we again have no water, adjusting to nights without power and trying to stay warm, which seems to be just going home and hibernating to my sleeping bag (thank you Uncle Lou for my little oven) I just don't have the energy to look for a placement. And the thing is I could easily spend the next two years sitting in the office doing little projects, going on some clinics, continue this random life, but I can't, I just can't reconcile coming to Nepal for that. Especially when you look around and see that there are people who are dying everyday because no one cares for them, kids are openly sniffing glue as I pass them on the street, people need help. Yet, I report to an office everyday, where I sit and work on a computer all day. And while yes these brochures will be sent to donors who will hopefully send money to help our programs and thats great, but I need more, I need human interaction. I need to feel that my job is necessary. Maybe, I am being to idealistic, but I just want to walk away from this experience feeling that I didn't just have a two year immersion experience, that I didn't waste two years being a JV when there are countless other programs that I could have done either abroad or at home and gained beneficial experience. I could have been home for the holidays. I don't want this to be a resume builder, that is not what I signed up for. Fortunately, the JV office is coming in January to have a Re-O/Dis-O retreat with us all, which will be good, cause hopefully answers will come, faith will be restored, and I will understand better my role here. I don't know maybe its the fact that its the holidays, or that I am feeling more then ever the distance from here and home, but right now I just pray to help my unbelief.