Help My Unbelief

Happy Holidays! It is hard to believe that I have been in Nepal four months, at times it feels like I just got here. Since Nepal is a Hindu society, the Christmas season is very different here. The only places that have lights or any "christmas" feeling are those that cater to the Bidashi crowd. For example, the cafe where I use the internet (and get my coffee fix) has a Christmas tree with lights (and yes I am sitting next to it listening to Christmas music while typing this). But I will walk out into the garbage filled streets, surrounded by people who will try to sell the white girl fruit and trinkets, or grab her in an attempt to see how desperate they are for food and money. Whoo a little resentment there, yes its true, Nepal is starting to wear me down. Its not so much the country itself, because I really do enjoy Nepal, as it is the situation in which I am here. My job continues to be a major desolation and frustration for me. I currently spend my days working on publications for the two projects we are associated with here, and will then create a calendar and magazine article after that. But after this month when I should be done with it all, my future is still one big question. Ideas are constantly thrown around and I am always present, telling myself, as I have learned, to not get my hopes up on the promises made by those who can not guarantee anything. Its just hard to realize that the position I accepted here is never going to be what I actually do, and that while our mission as a JV is to come to a placement that needs us, I will probably have to go out and seek my own position, therefore creating a need, not fulfilling it. It has been the topic of discussion among my community mates and I since I got here, and one that continues to be circular. Although, it has become pretty obvious that the GA will no longer need new JV's, which means that we both started and finished a placement. How many JV's can say that? Where does this all leave me? In the same limbo I have been since arriving in Nepal. I am continually trying to find the positives and see how this is a good challenge for me, but my faith is growing weak and my belief is waning fast. But at the same time, I knew this would happen, not the job issue, but the test of faith, but I am beginning to doubt just how strong my faith really is. Was I really called to this? To be stuck in a limbo of political BS and situations that I can not control? The view of us JV's is based off of past JV's who may not have been the best, but we can not control that and it is not fair to judge us because of past JV's. It seems like every time there is a glimpse of light at the end of the tunnel, it is quickly lost by another wall being built up. I know I should be looking for ways to knock these walls down and to push through this time, but to be honest it is exhausting. Between, learning and using a new language, adapting to a new culture, bargaining to get the Nepali price not the Bidashi, doing the math fast enough to know how much a kilo of potato's should really cost, telling Didi that we again have no water, adjusting to nights without power and trying to stay warm, which seems to be just going home and hibernating to my sleeping bag (thank you Uncle Lou for my little oven) I just don't have the energy to look for a placement. And the thing is I could easily spend the next two years sitting in the office doing little projects, going on some clinics, continue this random life, but I can't, I just can't reconcile coming to Nepal for that. Especially when you look around and see that there are people who are dying everyday because no one cares for them, kids are openly sniffing glue as I pass them on the street, people need help. Yet, I report to an office everyday, where I sit and work on a computer all day. And while yes these brochures will be sent to donors who will hopefully send money to help our programs and thats great, but I need more, I need human interaction. I need to feel that my job is necessary. Maybe, I am being to idealistic, but I just want to walk away from this experience feeling that I didn't just have a two year immersion experience, that I didn't waste two years being a JV when there are countless other programs that I could have done either abroad or at home and gained beneficial experience. I could have been home for the holidays. I don't want this to be a resume builder, that is not what I signed up for. Fortunately, the JV office is coming in January to have a Re-O/Dis-O retreat with us all, which will be good, cause hopefully answers will come, faith will be restored, and I will understand better my role here. I don't know maybe its the fact that its the holidays, or that I am feeling more then ever the distance from here and home, but right now I just pray to help my unbelief.