let the wind carry you...

If you hold on to the handle, she said, it’s easier to maintain the illusion of control. But it’s more fun if you just let the wind carry you.

The last time I wrote I was contemplating leaving and now I am in the stages of leaving. I remember when being here three months was a land mark for me, and now I am at 21 months with three months left. At times it went by in a blink and others it was painful. As I have been asked about what I am feeling, how I am approaching home, I have come back to the idea of control.
From the beginning of my JV experience I could not control anything about it. I did not choose Nepal, I could not control how my first job placement came and went, nor how my time at St. Xavier’s has come to be. I could not control the times I ached for home, or the days I was startled to realize I hadn’t thought of home. I had no control in the blessings or the Dhuka pain I felt here. In the past two years, I have been brought to my knees by Nepal and lifted back up by this same place.
Now those of you who know me well, know that I am not one to relinquish control easily. I like my life organized, I like knowing what will happen, and being prepared. My planner is highlighter coordinated! And since I stepped off that plane two years ago, Nepal has been trying to show me the opposite. Here coming for tea, could mean in five minutes or five hours. Sharing a meal, is not a quick thing, and you might have to eat multiple times in order to satisfy the family that you have enjoyed it. People stop by unexpected, and you are expected to do the same. My favorite response upon stopping uninvited to a house is “what took you so long?” Here time is not something to control but to enjoy.
As I am preparing to leave I am coming to understand this more and more. My planner is empty and I am not panicking. I have nothing set for these next three months and that is (gasp)….okay? Nepal is finally breaking through in a loud voice saying You can not control this. So I find myself learning to appreciate it. Maybe I have a million things I need to do, but for this time I will enjoy this meal with a student’s family.
For 22 years of my life, I have tried my best to control things. I had plans, and I followed them. Play volleyball, check. Graduate high school, check. Go to Marquette, check. Volunteer after college, check. But at times I wonder how much I let my plans control me instead of the other way around. And then I came to Nepal; a place where plans are laughed at. Where Bandhs make a country stop, textbooks arriving on time for school are a luxury, Nepali time overtakes all other time, tea is meant to be drunk, and control is given to the gods. From day one my plan was shaken up. I had to learn to adapt not only to a new world but an uncertain future. The plan book had to go out the window. But I was resistant, and determined to fit my ideas into Nepal, instead of letting Nepal into my ideas. So I was repeatedly frustrated when my plans changed. Things like not getting to the city because no vehicles were running left me angry. And while my Nepali neighbors went to get tea and enjoy a day with each other, I tried to make a new plan. It has taken me two years to realize that the phrase heard so often “Nepal is like this” is not a phrase of defeat but of acceptance. And while we can change and control some things, certain things that we can not, we must learn to live with; life is like this.
There are not words to describe my time here, and I will probably never be able to fully express this experience. And this goes for the good and the bad. Some of my most vibrant memories are also the most painful; these are the ones I learned the most about control. I can not control others actions, but I can control my response, and this has been the one of the greatest lessons I could learn. As a person who needs the security of feeling in control, leaning how to live with out that, has made me stronger and more accepting to what comes into my life, both good and bad. It has brought a willingness to let life carry me.
So, as I begin to end my time here in Nepal, I have come to accept that the best thing to do is let time be just that; time. As I start to process leaving and what it will mean for me, I am letting the illusion of control go, so that the winds of Nepal and all the beauty it has brought, can carry me home.