Chaa Mahiana

It is hard to believe that I have passed my 6-month anniversary with Nepal; and what a time it has been. As I have been reflecting on my time here in Nepal I realized that nothing could have prepared me for what it has meant to me. I don’t think I ever felt an instant love for Nepal. At orientation we heard about how you have a honeymoon phase in which you are awed by all around you, I somehow, through the smells of burning tires, garbage on the streets, dogs who both loved and would bite me, hours of sweating and no water, missed that part. Not that I walked off the plane and hated where I was, but I definitely was not skipping through the streets hugging everyone and everything around me as they made that stage sound. Instead, I struggled. I struggled to find a place as the only new person in a community of 5, I struggled to find meaning in my work, I struggled not react to the cat calls or derogatory remarks, I struggled with language (including the time I said I bought Katie at the store), and I struggled with the decision I had made to knowingly distance myself from those I loved, and relationships important to me. This last one was the hardest, especially at the beginning. But then I began to experience and learn Nepal. It started with my first micro ride by my-self, continued as I began to speak Nepali outside the classroom, bargained for the price I wanted, wore my first khurta, went to festivals, had the first conversation with my aama in Nepali in which we both understood each other, the realization that I would be sad to leave Nepal if we were pulled out, and the longing to know more about the country I live in. I still continue to be amazed by what Nepal brings me, especially since I know I will never bring as much to Nepal.
It is hard to believe that I have transitioned from feeling that my time here will never end, to panicking that I only have a year and a half left?!? There is so much left that I want to learn and do before I head home, and it doesn’t seem like I have enough time to do it all. I want to learn how to make good dhal bhatt, I want to learn both Nepali and Hindi, I want to volunteer, see Mt. Everest up close, sleep in a cave, explore the Tarai, and just soak up all that Nepal is. I pass so many tourists on the streets that come and look at the pretty mountains or smile at the “exotic” culture, but I want to understand it. I want to come home and know the place I lived for two years.
Six months brings a good time to really question what am I doing here? Am I being nothing more then a glorified tourist? Am I willing to experience the culture here even if it pushes me outside my comfort? Am I willing to let go of the strings of home that I cling to? To let go of the fear of those I may lose at home, to open my heart to those I may gain here. As I was deciding to do JVI I read, “The way to change is to let go of fear” which is what ended up deciding for me. And just as it helped me to realize I have to risk what I feared to accept the change that Nepal would bring, I need to continue to risk my fears to have the courage to change and be changed.